You know that little adage, that everything you need to know you learned in kindergarten?  Well at the blustfully youthful age of 32, going on 33, I am for the first time invoking the ultimate playground rule of the "Do-Over!"  Yes, yes... I know.  Anyone who used to know me as Pooh Bear, or the Booty Whapper (both childhood nicknames) knows that I used to think that Do-Overs were only for those who were emotionally to weak to take a loss and come back from it, or who just weren't confident enough in their abilities to lose that point and still win the game.  (Yes, I honestly thought this while playin 4-square in third and fourth grade.)  What I have come to find, is that those seemingly weak and immature children possessed a wisdom that today, I can only describe as cosmic.  I have finally learned that the universe, regardless of whether or not you give your permission or not forces you to continually "do over."

To me, life is one giant, interconnected, cycle of evolution.  Each revolution of the cycle gives us an opportunity to master being our authentic selves.  As we begin to re-cognize our divine authentic selves at one level we graduate to a higher level of consciousness, and we begin the revolution once more; this time exponentially faster.  I will equate it to becoming proficient at hurdle technique, or any other learned skill.  You are taught the basics very slowly and deliberately.  When you master the skill at one speed, you increase the speed of the skill.  The increased speed and intensity will bring about your failure to perform the skill, a degradation in your mastery of the skill.  Your coach corrects and assists you to re master your skill, and the process of re mastery brings about improvement.  This continues until you are proficient enough at each basic action that you can now combine them together to produce the desired outcome of hurdle form.  At this point, you master the form at one speed, increase your speed and repeat the process.  When all is said and done, those who win the championships in life, are those who are able to perfect themselves through the continual process of failure, correction, and improvement.

Sounds pretty simple, but the issues arise when it comes to the component of failure.  For many of us, we would rather not fail than improve.  It really is quite the catch-22.  For those of us who have based their own self-worth on the successes and the material things they have accumulated in life, failure is one of the most frightening and paralyzing forces out there.  My own fear of failure is the proverbial spoke in the wheel of my true enlightenment and success, and not to mention the height of arrogance.  For me to honestly believe I should never fail, is for me to believe that right now at my current stage in life, I have already matured and evolved to the highest level of consciousness where I can live 24 hours a day to perfection.  We all know that is not possible, yet, and instead of learning from our failures which will take place, we try and hide them behind a facade of perfection.  In athletic terms it means, you only do the drills that have perfected and never practice then ones that give you trouble.  You may be the best point guard in the league when you go to your right, but you have absolutely no left.  The problem with this is, that eventually, everyone will find out that you have no left, and will adapt and force you to your left, insuring your failure. 

The universe, like any good coach, only wants you to be the best that you can be, and the universe, like any good coach, will sacrifice your current, limited success for your long-term, limitless success.  Whether you want it or not, the universe invokes a do-over, and sends you back to basics.  Wherever you stopped practicing dribbling the ball with your left, is the place you've got to go back to in your training.  If 10th grade is the last time you had to practice your left, then even as an NBA player, you will have to go back to 10th grade level work and hit every level until you catch back up to your current level.  Often times, because you have leaned so much on your right to get you by, the universe will tie your right arm behind your back, and only allow you to use your left.  What ever you were using as your crutch in life, will be taken away from you so that you can develop into the true all-star you are meant to be. 

I am overjoyed right now that my life is in a cosmic do-over.  I feel like life has me in the midst of an expansive do-over.  My self-worth has often been based on my money, my success, the esteem of my position, the name and reputation of my family, but I start this stage of my life with all of those not in play.  The universe has tied my right hand behind my back and demanded that I go back to the basics and learn to go to my left.  But what is it, that life, the universe has deemed is not matching with my divine authentic self?  For me it comes down to love, and more specifically my love of myself.  I was always someone who really loved myself.  As a child I told my mother that I knew I would be able to love a lot of people because I loved myself so much.  That love of self has been a consistent in my life, until I was told I wasn't worth loving.  The minute I stopped loving myself, is the very minute, I lost my ability to love those around me. 

My sexuality is not anything that defines me, but my own response to my sexuality definitely is.  When I came to grips with my sexuality, instead of doing what I always did, and continued to love myself regardless of the circumstance, I used external stimulus to make internal judgments about myself.  I listened to what religion, politics, society and the military said about what being non-heterosexual meant to me.  Instead of embracing ALL that I was, and loving myself, I had to hide part of me because of the military and the athletic community.  My religious community demanded I cure myself of this disease or be delivered from these demons.  There the disconnect began.  Regardless of how hard I tried from that point on to be successful, it didn't matter, I was destined for failure; destined for a cosmic do-over.  It had nothing to do with my sexuality, but everything to do with love. 

On my 30th birthday, I was so excited to be out of my 20's.  I never wanted to relive them again.  I knew that something was broken in my life, and I felt that I could just let them go and keep moving past them.  I am so thankful that the Universe regardless of your struggle will not let you move forward if you are trying to leave your authentic loving self behind.  I find myself on the precipice of my 34th year of life, my 33rd birthday with all of my crutches removed.  All I have now is my belief in myself, my love of myself, and in turn my connection and love to those around me. 

The final thing I will leave you with is an excerpt from a book I read, Astrology for Enlightenment, by Michelle Kare'n.  You can find it to the right. "Pluto Retrograde April 4, 2009 - September 11, 2009:  If we don't allow difficult circumstances to discourage us, empowerment is ours.  Even if everything around us seems to be crumbling down, we need to remember who we really are.  We are not our jobs, nor our relationships, nor our money, but we are expressions of the divine."