Re-Invention, Transformation, Evolution
The idea of
transformation and re-invention have been a mainstay in my life.
Paramount to my belief structure, is that no man or woman is a victim.
Therefore, there is nothing in their life that they don't have a say
in; personality traits included.
Some people enjoy Rehab..... but I much prefer Re-invention...
Invention
As some may know I've recently changed my name.. Again. This will now be the third time I have officially changed my name in my life. The first time I chose to do it, I was 5 or 6 years old. The reasons then were not so profound, but they were important to me. Let me explain to you the name change now.
The name change is part of the re-invention.. I needed to do it for my own sanity and for the sanity of everyone around me... See when I first started exploring my sexuality, I was already out of college. My first consensual sexual relationship did not happen until I was 22 years old. I was from a very religious family, and an officer in the Air Force. I honestly was caught off guard by having homosexual feelings, unlike others who seem to have been aware of them for years. The pull seemed to be too strong for all of that conditioning, and I decided to go ahead and try the life, but I was afraid of anyone in the military finding out. So in my week day life, I went by my first name Floyd, and at night and the weekends, I began to go by my Middle name of Hadden. It had much more flare than Floyd, and would keep my world's separated.
So in one fail swoop, Hadden, the personality was created. Now mind you, I cut my teeth in denver, and had the "Glamazons" as my school marms to teach me the way of the gay.. .and instantaneously a diva was born. Hadden did everything big. Confident, sexy, aggressive, taking no prisoners, and no "no's" for an answer. It served me well in Denver to begin with. Denver is not very diverse, and initially most of the boys were only attracted to other white boys. Hadden's confidence and swagger got the attention of those who wouldn't have noticed before. See Hadden is a great one nighter kind of personality. Lustful and primal, acting on instinct and urges, and not on feelings.. Definitely not anyone else's feelings. Hadden was a personality of excess. There was nothing he wouldn't do, or person pretty much for that matter. So Hadden, while known by most, found himself lonely. Any time you let a defense mechanism become your sole outward expression, you set yourself up for failure in the long run.
When I finally woke up from everything and realized I wanted something else for myself, it was too late. I didn't have any skills to attract someone who would stay. I don't care how many times you try and say that people take you the wrong way, at some point in time, you have to realize that how you are perceived by the masses, really becomes reality. You can't act like a bitch, speak like a bitch, think like a bitch, and then tell people you're really not that way. You can't separate who you are from the things you do.
So as I was saying, I woke up and wanted to change, but it was difficult to do it. for 8 years now, Hadden has been in control of my gay behavior, and as much as I would think to myself, I wanted to create something different, Hadden was conditioned. So it took something drastic to cage the beast. I doubt most of you would go to such lengths that I have to truly change the negative things about yourself, and reinvent myself anew, but I had to. Hadden was a big personality, and it was created on purpose. Moving forward would take something as equally purposeful.
So I decided to look at Floyd and see what parts of him am I proud of? And Floyd did a lot of things that I was proud of, and gave me straight guy friends that I had never had before, but he also had many downsides. Hadden opened up a lot of doors for me, and gave me the best friends I've ever had in my life, and I'm grateful to him for that, but he also did a lot to hurt those same people he loved.. Well now, for months, I've been workin on the inside. Situations that life has me in right now, has made the perfect opportunity to stop, examine and re-invent. I have taken the good things from both personalities, and I am in the process of merging them together, and healing up from hurts, and discarding bad behavior patterns.
A new name, Justice, isn't going to change who I am, but it does make it easier to remember that I am changing my behavior patterns, and moving forward into something better for me. So I appreciate it when all of you guys indulge me in my reinvention.
And to those of you who think I'm a schizo... we all have personality roles that we take on. You may act one way at work, and one way around your family, and one way around your friends. It's the same thing I'm talking about.. I just had one for my straight life, and one for my gay life.
I just want one now.. for my whole life.
Some people enjoy Rehab..... but I much prefer Re-invention...
Invention
1: discovery, finding
2: productive imagination : inventiveness
3 a: something invented: as (1): a product of the imagination; especially : a false conception (2): a device, contrivance, or process originated after study and experiment b: a short keyboard composition featuring two- or three-part counterpoint4: the act or process of inventing
2: productive imagination : inventiveness
3 a: something invented: as (1): a product of the imagination; especially : a false conception (2): a device, contrivance, or process originated after study and experiment b: a short keyboard composition featuring two- or three-part counterpoint4: the act or process of inventing
As some may know I've recently changed my name.. Again. This will now be the third time I have officially changed my name in my life. The first time I chose to do it, I was 5 or 6 years old. The reasons then were not so profound, but they were important to me. Let me explain to you the name change now.
The name change is part of the re-invention.. I needed to do it for my own sanity and for the sanity of everyone around me... See when I first started exploring my sexuality, I was already out of college. My first consensual sexual relationship did not happen until I was 22 years old. I was from a very religious family, and an officer in the Air Force. I honestly was caught off guard by having homosexual feelings, unlike others who seem to have been aware of them for years. The pull seemed to be too strong for all of that conditioning, and I decided to go ahead and try the life, but I was afraid of anyone in the military finding out. So in my week day life, I went by my first name Floyd, and at night and the weekends, I began to go by my Middle name of Hadden. It had much more flare than Floyd, and would keep my world's separated.
So in one fail swoop, Hadden, the personality was created. Now mind you, I cut my teeth in denver, and had the "Glamazons" as my school marms to teach me the way of the gay.. .and instantaneously a diva was born. Hadden did everything big. Confident, sexy, aggressive, taking no prisoners, and no "no's" for an answer. It served me well in Denver to begin with. Denver is not very diverse, and initially most of the boys were only attracted to other white boys. Hadden's confidence and swagger got the attention of those who wouldn't have noticed before. See Hadden is a great one nighter kind of personality. Lustful and primal, acting on instinct and urges, and not on feelings.. Definitely not anyone else's feelings. Hadden was a personality of excess. There was nothing he wouldn't do, or person pretty much for that matter. So Hadden, while known by most, found himself lonely. Any time you let a defense mechanism become your sole outward expression, you set yourself up for failure in the long run.
When I finally woke up from everything and realized I wanted something else for myself, it was too late. I didn't have any skills to attract someone who would stay. I don't care how many times you try and say that people take you the wrong way, at some point in time, you have to realize that how you are perceived by the masses, really becomes reality. You can't act like a bitch, speak like a bitch, think like a bitch, and then tell people you're really not that way. You can't separate who you are from the things you do.
So as I was saying, I woke up and wanted to change, but it was difficult to do it. for 8 years now, Hadden has been in control of my gay behavior, and as much as I would think to myself, I wanted to create something different, Hadden was conditioned. So it took something drastic to cage the beast. I doubt most of you would go to such lengths that I have to truly change the negative things about yourself, and reinvent myself anew, but I had to. Hadden was a big personality, and it was created on purpose. Moving forward would take something as equally purposeful.
So I decided to look at Floyd and see what parts of him am I proud of? And Floyd did a lot of things that I was proud of, and gave me straight guy friends that I had never had before, but he also had many downsides. Hadden opened up a lot of doors for me, and gave me the best friends I've ever had in my life, and I'm grateful to him for that, but he also did a lot to hurt those same people he loved.. Well now, for months, I've been workin on the inside. Situations that life has me in right now, has made the perfect opportunity to stop, examine and re-invent. I have taken the good things from both personalities, and I am in the process of merging them together, and healing up from hurts, and discarding bad behavior patterns.
A new name, Justice, isn't going to change who I am, but it does make it easier to remember that I am changing my behavior patterns, and moving forward into something better for me. So I appreciate it when all of you guys indulge me in my reinvention.
And to those of you who think I'm a schizo... we all have personality roles that we take on. You may act one way at work, and one way around your family, and one way around your friends. It's the same thing I'm talking about.. I just had one for my straight life, and one for my gay life.
I just want one now.. for my whole life. 
Trackbacks
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Thursday, September 24, 2009 3:25 AM
Can You Stand The Reign? wrote:
I've been a fighter since I can remember. I've had to be one. You don't make it through my life's experiences with some sort of normality with out being a fighter, and even though I've been in over a dozen fist fights, with three times as many guys, physical fighting is not the type of fighting I'm talking about. I've always been the guy who stood up for, or who protected those who couldn't protect themselves. You can ask anyone who's known me for years that this is the case. Whether i was called Pooh Bear, Floyd, Hadden or Justice I've always been on the side of the underdog. [if you're curious about all the names check this out!] The battle for glbtq rights is not different; but I'm starting to think I'm on the wrong side of this fight. I am finding it harder and harder to fight for gay rights in this country, when gays continue to show their colors as the most prejudice and bigoted group in America. Granted theres are all kinds of groups out there that hate gays, but gays are the only groups that they hate. They're fine with women, racial minorities, even other religions. Gays on the other hand, don't seem to like anyone. As a gay, black man, I am finding it harder and harder to fight against prejudice inside a group that subjects almost all of its members to internal prejudice. -
Thursday, September 24, 2009 3:27 AM
Can You Stand The Reign? wrote:
I've been a fighter since I can remember. I've had to be one. You don't make it through my life's experiences with some sort of normality with out being a fighter, and even though I've been in over a dozen fist fights, with three times as many guys, physical fighting is not the type of fighting I'm talking about. I've always been the guy who stood up for, or who protected those who couldn't protect themselves. You can ask anyone who's known me for years that this is the case. Whether i was called Pooh Bear, Floyd, Hadden or Justice I've always been on the side of the underdog. [if you're curious about all the names check this out!] The battle for glbtq rights is not different; but I'm starting to think I'm on the wrong side of this fight. I am finding it harder and harder to fight for gay rights in this country, when gays continue to show their colors as the most prejudice and bigoted group in America. Granted theres are all kinds of groups out there that hate gays, but gays are the only groups that they hate. They're fine with women, racial minorities, even other religions. Gays on the other hand, don't seem to like anyone. As a gay, black man, I am finding it harder and harder to fight against prejudice inside a group that subjects almost all of its members to internal prejudice. -
Saturday, November 14, 2009 4:55 PM
Can You Stand The Reign? wrote:
So there you have it... Bishop Elect, Martin George Brazier, Sr.'s counsel to me, because I asked for my ring back, was to take my life, for the betterment of society, and give back his last name, as well as the last name of my Grandfather (Hadden.) I wonder if the Bishop uses that same tenderness, concern and Christ-likeness in the course of his current ministry? -
Saturday, November 14, 2009 5:25 PM
Can You Stand The Reign? wrote:
So there you have it... Bishop Elect, Martin George Brazier, Sr.'s counsel to me, because I asked for my ring back, was to take my life, for the betterment of society, and give back his last name, as well as the last name of my Grandfather (Hadden.) I wonder if the Bishop uses that same tenderness, concern and Christ-likeness in the course of his current ministry? -
Saturday, November 14, 2009 8:56 PM
Can You Stand The Reign? wrote:
So there you have it... Bishop Elect, Martin George Brazier, Sr.'s counsel to me, because I asked for my ring back, was to take my life, for the betterment of society, and give back his last name, as well as the last name of my Grandfather (Hadden.) I wonder if the Bishop uses that same tenderness, concern and Christ-likeness in the course of his current ministry?
Justice,
I would like your permission to cut and paste a portion of this blog into mine. I found some of it very profound and would like to share it with my circle.
--Bill
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of course you can. You can trackback too it too, if you want!
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I will always love you no matter what name you have chosen. I think Justice will remind all of us to value human life and respect choices. XXOOXXOOXXOO
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It is your heart I've always loved, no matter what you call yourself. I honor you for your courageous honesty. I honor you for getting real. I honor you in your journey of re-invention.
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Floyd...
This is an old acquaintance from Livingway Church, that you attended in San Antonio, TX with your other friend. You probably don't remember me, but I remember you praising God with all of your might with your SHOES OFF! After reading that; I don't know if that was just for show, or if you were struggling with that homosexual spirit, and attempting to praise your way loose, or if it was true from the heart and you were truly born-again, full of God's Spirit and just allowed satan to come in and consume you. The bottom line is, I'm not God and you by no means have to answer to me. I just want to let you know that me and my husband are praying for you... Jesus is so faithful! You can change your name 100 times and HE still knows who you are! Floyd, Hadden, Justice, whatever you go by, YOU WERE CREATED BY HIM AND FOR HIM and it doesn't matter how far you attempt to flee from Him, His presence, His Word, His principles... you can never out run or hide from HIS GRACE. Perhaps, growing up "religious" was the problem... If you truly get born-again, you will instantly realize that, RE-INVENTION WILL NEVER OUT WEIGH RE-BIRTH... NEVER! So whether you are trying to run from God, or ignore that He exist, or perhaps bitter about how a Christian, or a "so-called" Christian has treated you in the past, I want to let you know there are 2 folks that are truly praying for your deliverance. There are many scriptures I could type out, but no need... you know how to bust out the Word any time you like... and the second your ready to return, you KNOW the Holy Ghost will lead you to the exact scriptures he wants to speak to your heart. I may probably never see you again on this side of eternity, but I am believing that you will be my brother throughout eternity. Come back to Jesus... His arms are wide open!
Blessings to you...
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T,
Wow... Livingway Church! Blast from the past! Gotta love this facebook thing. It sure is viral. First I want to say, that my best friends, my Uncle, my cousins, and even my mother call me by my name Justice, it would be appreciated if you did as well.
I can appreciate what you're saying, cause I know where you're coming from. Unfortunately what you had to say struck me as rather cliche and unsubstantitive. It is a circular argument to say that the only way you know if you are truly born again is to believe what your preacher is preaching. it was because I was full engrossed in my study of the Bible that I came to a place where all I could see was the break downs and the inconsistencies. It was my heart felt desire that led me away.. Not Satan or any other force.
I'd probably have assigned more weight to your comment had you at least had the confidence and courage to leave your name and email address.. It appears that you don't even really believe what you are proclaiming that you do.. I'm open to any and all discussion.
Justice Calo Reign
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